Billie Bryerton – Playroom Variations
Playroom Variations is an ode to childhood and an exploration of what dance means at different stages of life. One of my first memories of dance is turning on the playroom keyboard and frolicking about the room with an intense theatricality; conjuring stories of monsters, fairies, and wizards. It was my idea of ballet as someone who had never taken a ballet class: all the drama and no rules–or at least not the “right” ones. I’m attempting to reconcile with this child within me, the one who was then taught the rules and beaten down by them, who was never good enough no matter how hard they tried and decided to pivot, running from ballet until they ended up right back where they started. Now, I feel like a student at clown school. As I navigate the strange new territories of contemporary dance, ballet’s beckoning whisper grows to a roar. This time I choose to face it with a new curiosity, the weight of making it as a ballerina now lifted off my shoulders. Now, there are no rules. Unless I want to make some–in order to break them again. I’m trying not to fight ballet anymore, instead searching for how ballet can serve me in my mission to embrace the whimsy of a child spinning around in an imaginary world. Funny, how after years of learning how to dance “correctly”, all I want is to recapture the beautiful, strange, silly, and unapologetic “wrong” of a child dancing in the playroom.
Week 1
November 26th
I spent today on the outdoor stage and while it was chilly, it was the kind of chill that makes you feel entirely awake and alive. I regrettably don’t have gloves so my fingers got a bit numb, but movement and many layers kept me warm.
I took a break from the first few sections of the piece to try and make some real progress on the last musical movement; what I’m referring to affectionately as both “clown school” and “the finale” in keeping with classical ballet structure. It’s nearly seven minutes of very dramatic crescendos and my instinct is to let the music take the lead by choreographing the whole thing as if it were a giant coda.
Of all the sections I am feeling the most comfortable in clown land, probably because it is most representative of who I am as a dancer today. I have the basis of technique, but I’m not confined to any structure; rather I am encouraged to be silly and strange.
November 25th
This piece has been on my mind for a long time and while I’ve created many bits and pieces, most have long been forgotten as I finally enter a focused creation process. Normally, I work linearly through a piece, but this time I find myself jumping all over the place and unable to see phrases to the end. With 25 minutes and 6 different movements, I feel as though I am drifting aimlessly through time rather than commanding it as I am used to doing. I get tired of one idea and skip to another section, only to tire quickly of that one too.
When it was just an idea, Playroom Variations felt plausible and comfortable. Now that it becomes real, I have to face the consequences of my actions. It’s proving to be quite challenging to play and mess around like a child without over-choreographing it. I want to use what I’ve worked so hard for and show that I can actually dance, but that would defeat the entire purpose, wouldn’t it? The evolution is everything, and in order to create a build up I have to start from a place of authentic nothing. No matter how stupid it feels, because that’s the point.
Another consequence of my actions I am facing: the pointe shoes. It’s been about two years since I put them on, but it feels like a lifetime ago. I feel unstable and confined. I was always quite terrible at it, but once again that’s sort of the point. I have to do the opposite of what I was told my entire life and let the struggle show, showcase the struggle even. I’m remembering why I stopped doing pointe in the first place….
Week 2
December 1st
My past two rehearsals I have been in ballerina mode. I went in with the intention of finishing clown school but instead felt compelled to strap on the pointe shoes. Although I am quite limited in what I can actually do it does feel quite magical for a few brief moments. I finished a (very) rough draft of the pointe section, but I’m worried it’s a bit bland. Actually, I worry the whole piece is going to be boring and predictable, but I’m hoping that’s just my own proximity to the work clouding my judgement.
December 2nd
I’m feeling better about the pointe section, I’ve added more moments of accent and funkiness that feel truer to who I am. I filled in the gaps and while I would love to keep working on it tomorrow to really solidify things, my toes hurt and I think I need to let them breathe for a day and go back to clown school.
December 3rd
My brain is broken.