yauhenija trapeznikava – LAKE Residency – yauhenija trapeznikava
05.02
today was the first time i could relate to jesus. i never thought about him much, never tried to imagine what kind of a person he could be, or whether it was hard for him to be who he was. there are some people in my life that shine divine qualities out of them. until recent, i was convinced that it’s easy for these people to be such earthly saints, somehow because, i assumed, they don’t have to think about it a lot or attempt to be that way. and recently i realized that it’s an on-going choice – to keep opening yourself to the reality of the moment, to keep stretching connection to the whole, and then being, speaking, acting from the position of this whole. ‘enlightenment’ is not something that happens once and for all.
i now think it was like that for jesus as well. not without bad days, not without falling back into his smaller individuated self, maybe waking up and thinking “wow i look old today”, maybe getting scared “what if it’s not gonna work right now”, maybe craving for chocolate. and yet – holding. reaching for the trust, believing in his service, choosing kindness in complete awareness of the pain of the world. and then this moment on the cross – pain and the choice to remain human. that’s the moment i could feel him.
…
i feel responsible for the world and i feel frustration because i can’t figure out how to serve it better, from who i am. i am an expression of life, and also of humanity – in its past, present, and future. somehow we have created this system in which millions are paying for the debts that are not theirs. a teacher that i follow said today: “those who are present determine what is possible”. it feels that i need to allow myself to be a channel, yet i need to listen very attentively to hear what wants to pass. and my small individual thoughts are still throwing one party after another, loud low-quality techno that i still groove to. as well as this, it’s not only my choice.
30.01
imagine a bus in which everyone gets suddenly aware of taking this bus, as well as sharing the ride with everyone else. a feeling that might be similar to meeting again a group of old friends – “wow, we are here together!”. wow, we are here together! everyone on the bus is smiling with sweet uncertainty, not being sure where this feeling of something special happening is coming from. they are looking around, finding familiarity in every face. the most important thing happening in this lucky bus right now is everyone being aware of the presence of everyone else! imagining this creates space and relief inside me. sacred togetherness. a potential for healing.
allowing myself to instantly follow something that has just inspired me – instead of writing it down into my notebook! my notebook is both a sanctuary and a cemetery for the greatest impulses. i get inspired – literally ‘breathed in’ from latin – by something or someone, and then i ‘breathe out’ in a short memory note. no! no! what if i get used to breathe out immediately! in action, in sound, in movement.. the world breathes in, and its exhale is my life. i thought, “what if football can be played with thinking that your feet kiss the ball?” how could a football game look like! a huge romance, a passion play, an experience of sharing intimacy. momentous intimacy with strangers – the fuel of my life. ‘intimacy’ here – an unexpectedly easy experience of trust, a feeling of the deepest connection beyond liking somebody or disliking. if you want to be reminded how divine you are, you just need to observe your body.
moving on.
earlier today i gifted a stick to a passer-by in the park. he acted very joyous, and instantly forward-gifted it to another person nearby. that person, in their turn, forward-gifted the stick back to me. then, on the ubahn, we accidentally established a slightly-longer-than-usual eye contact with another person, which resulted in both of us smiling warmly, some kind of unconditional support smile. somehow these moments punctuate my days, and i wonder why. besides just being pleasant, why do they also feel incredibly important.
flow of thoughts, the day is rolling, somebody on the earth always knows when the right moment to go to sleep is.